Thoughts that run through my mind at 4 in the morning

How did it get so late?

You know, if I had known I would be staying awake, I would have been working on a project. (This is a lie)

What projects could I work on tomorrow?

Then there is a list of a thousand things that I could/should do tomorrow. This list only ever seems to get longer. Does anyone else have a list like this? Why is that list so long? And why do I seem to add at least two things for every item I cross off?

There is normally a plan that I come up with to get up early tomorrow/later that day to get all these things tackled or at least get a fair bit done. In my mind, this also helps ‘fix’ my sleep schedule. I have thought of some variation of this plan hundreds of times a year. I attempt it about half of the time. I am always well-intended. It has yet to work.

I wonder what time zone my sleep schedule would line up with to seem more normal?

So then it’s just one more episode, one more chapter, one more song as I daydream about a world where my grand plans actually work.

Sometimes, when I am alone in my flat, I have solo dance parties. Just me and my headphones rocking out and dancing like no one is watching, because no one is. I am reasonably sure my downstairs neighbours are not a fan of this particular insomnia coping mechanism.

They say creatives are more likely to be night owls.

They also say people with mental health issues are more likely to have insomnia.

Has anyone ever studied if this correlation is actually just causation?

So I will tell myself that it’s fine that I was awake because I got this bit of writing done. And I will assure myself that tomorrow I will go to bed at a reasonable hour. And I will turn back to the website I was trolling and pass another few hours.

It’s summer in Scotland.

If I stay up just a bit later, I can catch the sunrise.